uberkuh

Inspired by a recent set of surveys conducted by world-renowned atheist Sam Harris, I conducted one of my own. Here are my results.

George Carlin mourned as counterculture hero

“The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things — bad language and whatever — it’s all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition,” Carlin told the AP in a 2004 interview. “There’s an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. … It’s reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.”

George Carlin was one of my favorite people. I will miss his brilliant candor.

I hear a lot of comedians make fun of religion or God, but I’ve never heard one focus solely on that topic, and surely for good reason, like staying employed. Anyway, here are a few jokes, silly or otherwise, that I thought of last night on the way home:

When God said, “Let there be light,” who was he talking to? “Let there be light! Oh, wait, there’s nobody here. Shit, where’s the light switch?” Pause. “Oh, yeah, there it is.”

Have you ever wondered why it took God six whole days to make everything? He can do anything, but, for some divinely inspired reason, it took 144 hours to make the Heavens and the Earth. Really? I think God is lazy. I think he’s a slacker just like the rest of us. He probably plays World of Warcraft.

I don’t really believe in God, but, sometimes, just for fun, I like to pray for impossible things. I like to say stuff like, “Dear Lord, please keep Kenny alive.” Or, “Dear Lord, please help Pinocchio stop lying.” “Better yet, please turn him into a real, live boy. But not Jewish. He’s had enough problems with his nose.”

im·bible: v. To sip sherry and read the Good Book. (source)

The other day at lunch, I had this idea to make a lewd version of the Bible. I call it the Imbible. Imagine if the Bible had books like these:

• Genitalis
• Sexedus
• Limpidicus
• Humpers
• Screwederonomy

And so on. All it would take to rewrite the Bible in lewd form are a few word replacements and additions here or there, like this:

In the beginning Gods procreated in the heavens and on the earth. (QJV)

Sure, it would take work, but just think of the rewards.